The good news is I seem to be less than a dork than I was two years ago

My personal assignment for the day: Compile and send the dreaded, pointless email that updates family and friends of my new Brooklyn address and happenings. I've moved a lot and hence, have had to send out a lot of these silly things. For inspiration, I turned to my last one, sent out two years ago when I moved from northern New Hampshire to Utah. After reading it, I feel less than inspired.

Hi all -
As always, sorry about the big email. I hope all of you are doing well. I haven't talked to many of you in quite a while, and I miss many of you; well, except for those of you that I don't, of course.

So to continue my recent transient fashion, I am moving to Salt Lake City, Utah. I thought that I should let all of you know this. My new info will be:
If I wasn’t afraid of you crazy internet stalkers, I would have included the old info here.

Below you will find answers to Frequently Asked Questions regarding this move to Salt Lake. You will play the part of "you," and I will be "me."

you: Hey, Dave. I heard you're moving. Where to?
me: Yep, heading to Utah.

you: Utah? Is that on the South Shore? By Braintree, right? me: Nope. Utah is in fact a state in the western U.S.

you: Oh. Well do you know anyone there?
me: Yes, in fact I do. I am moving in with two fine folks: Matty of Tewksbury, MA and Kathleen of Idaho. I know them both pretty darn well, and also know various other people out that way, including most of Matt's family that have landed in the SLC area.

you: Do you know anyone in Uruguay? me: I am not moving to Uruguay, but, no, I don't think that I do.

you: I've heard that there's a lot of Mormons in that area. What exactly is a Mormon?

me: Mormonism is a religion. Perhaps you remember those bad television commercials from the 1980s by The Church of Ladder Day Saints - they almost always featured an elderly woman and promised a free book - well, those folks are Mormons. As a general rule, Mormons tend to be pretty devout Christian-types. And, yes, there are quite a few in SLC, as they founded the city.

you: Are you a Mormon?
me: no.

you: Are you planning on becoming a Mormon?
me: Negative.

you: Have you ever posed for the cover of a romance novel?
me: At the time of this email, no. Quite frankly, I simply feel that my career as a male model is above lustful literature.

you: Back to the Mormons and their rules. What's the deal with alcohol?
me: There is definitely an interesting situation with alcohol, particularly in SLC. IN other areas, alcohol consumption is not as strictly guarded. The short answer: You can drink, but yes, there is some weirdness.

you: Any idea why canned olives are sometimes referred to as "pearls?"
me: None.

you: How long will you be in Utah?
me: I am not exactly sure. My gut reaction is that I will probably only be there for the winter and spring. It gets pretty damn hot in the summer, but we'll see. Things could change depending on the job situation and my attachment (if there is one) to the city.

you: Well, it sounds like you might be back on the East Coast for the summer then. Do you have any plans for next summer?
me: I really do enjoy the summers here in New England, and especially enjoyed this past summer and fall in the White Mountain National Forest. But, again, I'm not sure yet; one season at a time. Other possibilities include touring Eastern Europe in an attempt to reform the Soviet Union -- not so much as a giant Communist power, but rather to develop it as one massive theme park to rival the likes of the Walt Disney empire. Of course, one other option that would require far less effort would be to simply order one of those Russian brides online and set up a swing set in our backyard, working to spread joy on a smaller, more individual basis.

you: When exactly are you leaving? Will you be in Massachusetts (or other states) before you go?
me: I should be returning to the fine town of Tewksbury, MA on October 1. My hope is to depart October 6 (give or take a couple of days). I am considering stopping along the way to visit a couple of folks, but am otherwise anticipating a pretty direct route.

you: If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?
me: It's a tie. Either a three-toed sloth, or a flying squirrel. Both for the obvious reasons.

you: May I visit you at your new home in Utah?
me: By all means! I would love to have you visit, and in fact welcome nearly all folks that I have come to know in my 23 years of existence, with the possible exception being Mr. Roger Pilot (I swear to God, that is his name), a high school math teaching guru who did not see eye-to-eye with me. Otherwise, COME ON DOWN!

Well, this concludes our Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) section. If your question was not in fact on the list, let me know, and I will do my darndest to answer it. Hope you are all doing wonderfully.
-Dave