Happy Flag Day all.


How do you celebrate Flag Day? If you don't dress up like a bloated symbol of our nation and then grab hold of this guy, you may be doing it incorrectly.

Some question its merit as a holiday. Well, if the birth of the American flag – thanks, Betsy! – just isn’t enough for you ungrateful lot, how about the birth of me? Will that do it for you?

Mid-June is a good time to have a birthday. Flag Day especially, as it allows me to make incessantly unfunny jokes about the greatest holiday, Flag Day!, when we all put on our costumes and open presents around the tree, only to close out the day with some green beer.

It was an especially cool birthday to have in grade school because there was always some crazy-ass assembly at the elementary school where we’d sing songs about the flag and what not. Of course, I always knew that the school was actually doing it all in my honor, but to avoid the fits of jealousy brought on by the other children, the administration would say it was a Patriotic celebration, not a celebration of David. But I knew.

The teachers would look at me differently that day; the principal would give me a nod; the lunch lady would generously add an extra chicken nugget to my tray -- How'd that get there! Hell, even the other kids' parents knew. They'd come to the assembly, playing along with the administration's secret, just happy to celebrate along with me and forget about their silly children’s birthdays for once. What's that Jimmy? Oh these are tears of joy. I just love the Flag Day assembly so much and don't worry, Santa is real. Really Jimmy, it's okay. I'm not crying because I wished you were more like that other boy, David. Really.

It’s true. You can ask my Mom. She works at the school and the teachers still talk about it. In particular, Ms. Ware and Ms. Diaz seem to miss that June 14th celebration most, perhaps because Ms. Ware made me write haikus at age eight while the other kids actually did fun shit. And Ms. Diaz? I’m sure it was my fourth-grade report on lasers that won her heart.

This morning, when I awoke entirely too early, I was trying to remember past birthdays. I didn’t do too well. Really, I can only remember the last six or seven, and even within that, my twenty-second birthday is pretty unclear. The birthdays of the Trahan era are really hazy, but I do remember, as mentioned above, truly thinking that the Flag Day assembly was all for me. I was most gleeful one unbearably hot day, when some school administrator opted to move the annual assembly outside and into the sun. We all sweat profusely while singing about the thirteen colonies and a kid passed out from heat stroke, right there on the pavement. That was pretty rad.